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all i’ve (ever) w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ t̶o̶ known

Updated: Aug 7, 2021

all i’ve known is as follows:

i did that thing again,

where i get up at 9 then 12 then 2

and think of clocks and clues (and how i haven’t gotten up)

i eat, get dressed and (on good days) get out,

in one of the s̶a̶m̶e̶ t̶h̶r̶e̶e̶ fits i keep around

sometimes i accessorize with (the difference the same outfit can feel on a different day)

how one eyelash smiles more than the other

and when that certain angle lets me look at someone i don’t even know

the thing about me is that i always w̶a̶n̶t̶ t̶o̶ notice,

when someone’s much like me

a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ making sure to see the intersection

as some direction to confirm that i’m not obscure

because h̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ as sure that you exist, you question less of what appears

so i’ve put roll ups between my fingers, breathed a̶d̶u̶l̶t̶h̶o̶o̶d̶ down,

before going home to rewatch a movie i already know

as if to still show that the idea of change is a lie

and maybe, (when i’m outgoing again) when i abide to what they call the full expiration of naiveté

i’ll miss the silhouette that i am now

time and time again i’ll allow myself,

to sit and sip a̶n̶d̶ s̶m̶o̶k̶e̶, and ask (her) who (she is)

to document what (change) i’d hope to recognize

i’ll tell you more about it (once i know),


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